Earlier this year my mum celebrated her 90th birthday and then shortly after became ill. After about a month it became clear that she wasn’t going to get better and so I went through my own experience of anticipatory grief.
Anticipatory grief happens most commonly when we know that someone we love is going to die. But it can also occur when we have the knowledge that a life changing loss is going to happen in the future.
During the couple of weeks leading up to her death, the most profound and difficult thing to experience was the thought that my mum was going to become a memory some time very soon. It’s hard to describe how that felt.
As with the grief felt after someone dies, anticipatory grief is a roller coaster of emotions that starts before your loved one has died and there are some particular challenges that go with it.
At first, with my mum, it appeared that she was getting better but there came a point where she started to become very ill. Where she had always been mentally bright there was a sudden change in her and her personality changed. It was hard to relate this person with my mum, where had she gone? What had happened to her? This is when I really started to feel a strong sense of grief.
As time went on I experienced days when there was hope for her recovery, when she seemed a bit brighter or a bit more herself but then there were days when I felt totally hopeless and helpless to do anything that would help her.
For about five weeks our family lived in a state of high alert as we visited hospitals and then the care home. The whole experience felt exhausting, emotional and difficult. I was alternating between tears of grief and outbursts of anger at home. I was very fortunate in that I had siblings to share this journey with and the experience just brought us closer. I know for some people it can be an extremely isolating experience. At the time this was happening to my family the weather was beautiful and it was hard to know that life was going on outside as normal.
Two weeks before she died I felt the knowledge that her death was coming. She had stopped eating and was drinking very little. She spent a lot of time sleeping and sometimes seemed to recognise me and sometimes not. Each time I went to the hospital I had to prepare myself for how she might look. I had never had the experience of knowing someone was about to die. My father died very suddenly many years ago. My mind became a hive of questions. How can I make the time left meaningful? What will it be like when she dies? Will I be there when she dies? Does she hear when I say ‘I love you’?
As her death came closer it became distressing to watch her struggle as she gradually withdrew from life. As siblings we set up a round the clock vigil for her in the last days and she finally died peacefully with my sister at her side.
Recently, as we started to clear out her things from her home it became clear to me that some form of grief had started long before she died. I came across a box full of nail varnish from when I used to paint her nails for her. I realised when I found it that she had stopped wanting me to do this as she got older. There were unfinished crochet and sewing projects that she had been unable to finish as her sight had deteriorated. Small losses that I had felt along the way to her eventual death.
So I wanted to share with you while writing this blog what I learnt about Anticipatory Grief in the hope that it might help someone having their own experience.
Yes, anticipatory grief is all the things I have written about above and for some people will be different. We are all unique in our experiences. I was grateful for my knowledge of grief and how it can be because this helped me acknowledge my emotions as they came up for me. It also helped me know that, as strange as it sounds, anticipatory grief presents us with opportunities. The opportunity to reflect on the relationship and say everything we need to say to our loved one before they die. The opportunity to make the most of the remaining time in a meaningful way. For some, it is the opportunity to put affairs in order. For my sister it was the opportunity to get to visit her from overseas.
Experiencing anticipatory grief doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t grieve afterwards. However, giving all your emotions time and space as they come up rather than shutting them out can only help.
It’s important if you are going through this yourself to take care of yourself. Reach out to those you know will support you and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.